La Multi Ani!!!

La Multi Ani Familia si Prieteni!! (Happy New Year Family and Friends!!)

Well I'm sorry that it has taken so long to finally send a real letter. I would say that this transfer has not been the easiest for me. Surprisingly, a lot harder than the first. A part from missing my trainer/mother, Sora Atkins, like crazy and having my first Christmas away from home, I have to say that I've learned a lot and it hasn't come easy. It was really abrupt when Sora Atkins left because we were completely caught off guard and though that we would have 2 more weeks to have more lessons together with our investigators and to just be together. She has set a standard for me on missionary work and I will never forget the example of love patience that she had. Needless to say, I really miss her. 

The thing that I think has been the hardest thing for me is honestly, the agency that people choose and the faith that I have to admit, I feel like I had that wasn't fulfilled in relation to my investigators. We had this one, her name is Bianca and before Sora Atkins left we had a really good lesson with her about faith (when I say really good, I mean I actually cried in most of it) and I just know that she is just such a wonderful person--kind and loving. She is our friend and she had been an investigator some months earlier but because of school, she said that she hadn't had time to have lessons again. So we try and set up with her she sort of wants to just hang out. It feels really difficult to explain this in a way that you will understand, but if you've served a mission than I think you can understand what I mean when I say, that I wanted her to come unto Christ so badly! It ate me up inside. 

When I served with Sora Atkins I really learned that when you exercise faith, even if the outcome isn't what you want, you will always see fruit of your faith and it will always be the will of the Lord. And I still believe that. But the will of the Lord that I wanted was that Bianca would have a changed heart and that she would have the desire to progress. I wanted it so badly. I felt like my desire was righteous. I begged God for days to change her heart. Begged. And then... on a Saturday in which we were supposed to try and meet up but it wasn't really working out, and she suggested that we meet up after church the next day and I asked if we could have a lesson and she... basically said no. And I think I was in denial until the next day in church, when (as luck would have it, NONE of our investigators came to church) the sacrament was being passed  and I said a little prayer in my heart to ask why it wasn't working out and it became very clear that she didn't have the desire, that she WASN'T ready and that we wouldn't be meeting with her. 

I cried in sacrament meeting. None of it made sense to me. I was/am having the same situation with our other investigator, Lavinia, and it felt like nothing was happening the way that it was supposed to. This transfer has been full of moments like these. Our recent convert, Claudia, who is amazing and I KNOW has a testimony, won't come to church and has been ignoring all our calls for the last month (I'm so sorry Sora Atkins, I'm doing the best I can for her!). I honestly feeling like I'm trying as hard as I possibly can to be an instrument in the hands of the Lord, and then I feel like my efforts are being wasted and that I don't know how else to fulfill my purpose. 

My heart hurts right now, as I write about these people and I think about all the others that I haven't mentioned. I wish that I could relay how it feels to be a missionary. You know how people say that there is a different chamber of your heart that opens up when you have your first child, I think that it is the same as a missionary. I feel like I can honestly love the people of Romania in a deep, sincere way. And that these people I meet and teach, I love with more of a Christlike love than I thought was possible for people who aren't my family and who I haven't known for very long. I love them so much it breaks my heart! On Christmas Eve I was feeling all of these things, feeling all this sorrow and I read in Alma 29 when Alma is talking about his own experiance as a missionary:

 1 O that I were an angel, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with the atrump of God, with a voice to shake the earth, and cry repentance unto every people!

 2 Yea, I would declare unto every soul, as with the voice of thunder, repentance and the plan of redemption, that they should repent and acome unto our God, that there might not be more sorrow upon all the face of the earth.

"That there might be no more sorrow upon all the face of the earth!!!!!!!"--that is all that I want, I thought to myself. I really have a strong conviction in my heart and soul that the gospel will save lives, will bring light and hope where the is none. Because that is what it has done for me. 

And then Alma continues on, " 3 But behold, I am a man, and do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things which the Lord hath allotted unto me."

and I just huffed and puffed and thought, NO! But then I continued on and he talks about Agency and the Glory of God and explains  

8 For behold, the Lord doth grant unto all nations, of their own nation and tongue, to teach his word, yea, in wisdom, all that he seeth fit that they should have; therefore we see that the Lord doth counsel in wisdom, according to that which is just and true.

 9 I know that which the Lord hath commanded me, and I glory in it. I do not glory of myself, but I glory in that which the Lord hath commanded me; yea, and this is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hands of God to bring some soul to repentance; and this is my joy.

I felt so bitter at first but then I prayed and read these words and felt peace... Just as we learned from President Eyring this last conference "The Lord NEVER hides from His faithful children." My pavilion between me and the comfort of the Lord was not my desire to bring these souls unto Him but to do so and to feel the measure of my calling in His own time and in His own ways. Every day this week I have thought of "He hath made every thing beautiful in his time" (Ecclesiastes 3:11). 

I feel like I've begun to understand what the answer is to all this that I've felt, all this sorrow and stress. I don't think that it is to love the people less, I think that it is just to have more faith in the Lord. Amy Lofgreen told me something before I left that I hadn't actually remembered this week until I saw it in my journal: "Love is never in vain, only sin." I had no idea how much that would apply to my mission. I had no idea how I would come to understand it, but I am so grateful that she said it and that I have come to understand it and still am. Things are still hard but there is always hope and its true, there is ALWAYS a fruit of our faith. In the last two weeks we have received more refferals and had more first lessons than I have since I've been out. AND Fratele Stoica read the Book of Mormon EVERY DAY LAST WEEK! And last night we committed him to have personal prayer every day as well, and we finally found out when his son is coming home so we can set a date 

(April 15-ish,  I know, Sora Atkins, I'm freaking out about it too. He is continuing to progress! I gave him smiley face stickers that Andreea could put on his reading calender every day that he read). AND our wonderful investigator, Sorina, (I don't think I've talked about her much but she came out of no where at church, already trying to live the Word of Wisdom and--things we never knew, Sora Atkins, was that the reason why she came to church was because she was having a really hard problem with her family and she prayed and randomly found the Book of Mormon and received an answer to her prayer somewhere in Alma :):)!), is also doing well. She was sick this week and couldn't come to church and have come to a little bit of stand still with her since she didn't come last week either but she actually brought up her baptism the other day, and she bought some fake coffee stuff and she really has the desire and... I think she loves me as much as I love her so she doesn't break my heart as often haha 

And then... last but certainly not least!! I can ACTUALLY UNDERSTAND PEOPLE! I don't know how, but something has clicked in my brain and I really feel like I understand people and it doesn't hurt my insides as much and doesn't stress me out so incredibly and I think that has really expedited my desire to keep learning and getting even better. And I don't mean to brag BUT, this guy just came up to me to ask me where the girl was who he could buy the time tickets (for time on the computers at the internet cafe) and I actually understood him! and answered back, in Romanian!! (Sora Atkins, I even MAKE PHONE CALLS NOW!! BY MYSELF!!)

As always, there is so much to be grateful for, not the least of which, is my wonderful, supportive family. You really made me Christmas Day one in a million and a really blessing for me. 

The Lord Loves us!! I think that if we can always remember this and have it written on our hearts than we will always have the courage to do whatever needs to be done or face any trial, in whatever form, because we know that nothing comes before us except to give us greater faith and learning--and thus greater happiness. Please make this your new years resolution. It's saved my life on my mission. Elder Slemboski in my mission has decided that it should be my pretend facebook status if I could have one. So make it yours!!

I love you all so incredibly much, and I feel your love!

Katy/Sora Macdonald